October 21, 2004
I don’t have all the answers.
If I did have all the answers (hell, even a few of them…), perhaps I would be able to address some of the queries impressed upon me in the daily glop of unsolicited email. It’s rather like having a several mini vans worth of babbling pre-schoolers following you around all day, asking why the dog smells funny. At any rate, here is my attempt to quickly answer 72 of the questions posed to me in the subject lines of today’s spam. The questions are listed alphabetically, not in chonological order, creating some rather serendipitous dialog along the way.
Are you for it?
It? It what? Could you be more specific?
Are you single?
No.
Bad credit?
Yes, they spelled my name wrong again in the colophon.
Can we go over Delmer’s budget today?
Sure. Snicker. Delmer… hee, hee.
Craving coffee?
Always.
Did you seen this?
See what?
Do you believe in ghosts?
I just said I didn’t see it. Jeeze.
Do you hate photo cops?
No. However, I can’t stand photo ops. Grip and grin nonsense.
Do you need to fix your computer?
Yes. I keep getting all this spam.
Do you trust the media?
Not so much floppy disks, but the CD-Rs seem to hold up ok.
Do you want a Rolex in $75 — $275?
Hmmm… that’s pretty cheap. What’s wrong with it?
Do you wish you could stop smoking?
No. I love cured meats.
Do you?
Yes, I do.
Does this make you happy now?
Like I said, I love cured meats.
Fed up with Bush/Kerry?
Not yet. Ask me after the election.
Flu shots?
Color or black and white? Is processing included?
Got meds?
You spelt milk wrong.
Guess what?
What?
Have you heard of Rolex timepieces?
Yes, you mentioned them before.
Haven’t I done enough?
Well, you’ve told me about the Rolexes twice now.
Hey there, how are you today?
Well, it’s about time you asked.
Hi, how are you today?
Um… fine, I guess.
Hi, how are you?
Oh shut up.
How can we make this happen?
By shutting up.
How could you do this to me?
Sorry, you were being repetitive.
How could you do this?
What did I just tell you?
How smart do you think you are?
Apparently not smart enough to stop answering all these questions.
Is it for you?
It again? What’s with this it?
Is it really that hard to do?
No, I just type on this keyboard here.
Is that your document?
No. It’s the one you just sent me, moron.
Is this your $2,971.43?
Maybe. Let me check my wallet.
Is your car still under warranty?
Yes.
Is your home or office low on ink supply?
No, but my patience is a bit thin.
Life premiums too high?
Since when have there been premiums on life?
Looking for a new bingo site to play at?
No. However, I am looking for cheap high-quality software.
Looking for cheap high-quality software?
Hey, how did you know?
Looking for me?
I was, but I talked to Delmer about the budget instead.
Losing weight impossible?
Why? Do you think I’m fat?
Low on ink?
Stop changing the subject. You just said I looked fat.
Maybe today?
You probably think I’m fat all the time.
Need 500 USD now?
You can’t buy me an apology. Jerk.
Need a new card?
A card would be nice sometimes. And flowers…
Need a new computer?
No. Just some cheap high-quality software to run on it.
Need emergency cash until payday?
Not if the high-quality software is cheap enough.
Need help paying your mortgage?
Yes. But not the insurance.
No insurance?
Hello… what did I just say?
Not worth to pay retail price for softwares?
Did you pay retail for that spell checker?
Pregnant?
No.
Remember that guy?
Yes I do. That’s why I’m not pregnant.
Rolex?
What part of no didn’t you understand?
Sars viruses?
Actually, I’m sans viruses.
Sexual frustrated?
Grammatically frustrated?
She told me you want a Rolex?
She was lying.
Did I send this to you?
I’m reading now, aren’t I?
Still on your list?
Not if you keep asking if I want a Rolex.
Sweetheart wants a Rolex?
Nice try. No.
Think you like eBay?
Think nothing… I know I like eBay.
Tired of being fat?
I’m still mad at you about calling me fat the first time.
Too much management, not enough customer relationships?
No, just too much spam.
Want a flat screen?
Is that another fat comment?
Want a Rolex?
Aarrggh.
Want banks to compete for your mortgage?
No. I want banks to pay my mortgage. But not my insurance.
Want to surprise her?
With a Rolex? Forget it.
We have no overhead, why should you?
I suppose there would be some benefit to that.
What are u waiting for?
For my overhead to be removed, I guess.
What is this?
It’s overhead.
Why did you say that?
Because you asked the question.
Why is coral water so healthy?
Because you can charge more for it.
Why pay for over priced prescription drugs?
Hell, why pay for over priced coral water?
Why pay so much for one little pill?
It’s not about the size of the pill.
Will your income fall 30% in 2005?
Ask me after the election.
Would you like a government grant?
I wouldn’t know what to do with my own government.
Would you like to refinance?
I’d like to get the last few minutes of my life back.
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